Alexiss' HideOut~~

To Accept Rejection

2009-06-19T11:52:00.002+08:00

I must learn the art of accepting rejection and not feel so useless, dejected after it..
afterall i have been rejected for the past 6 months...
i had numerous interview for the past 6 months but I don't know why people have not offered me...
am I that lousy afterall?
am I that useless afterall?
i begin to doubt myself..
never have i felt so underachieved..
never have i felt things cannot be achieved if we want it..
never have i felt so out of control~~
please please please... i beg you...
please please please... i wanna change job already!!!
please please please... i promise i will work damn hard and put all my commitments there..
please please please.. i beg you..

Sick

2009-05-18T12:26:00.002+08:00

I am sick,
mentally, physically and emotionally,
I really need a place to hide and cry...
Please..
Just one day for me to be alone and cry...

Mixed Feelings

2009-04-13T11:57:00.002+08:00

you know y i love the beach so much?
because i love how the wind goes through my hair,
i love how the sea smells, and the sound of the wave,
it makes me feel calm, and everything will be alright.

haih~~
i feel things have gone to a serious stage..
really really serious..
so serious until i feel afraid.
so serious until i feel like crying already.

our relationship has always been in a fast forward mode,
but i thought feelings this deep should come much later...
not so soon,
not now...
this is why, i always insisted time alone,
i always insisted time spent away from each other,
because i need time to calm down and think..
i need time to analyze and decide..
i cannot let my emotions run my heart...

words are not enough to describe how i feel right now..
excited? afraid? scare? happy?

it is as though, my 1st time in my 22 years of life that i felt..
a true princess..
but i am also afraid i'll lose this one day...
i can only be thankful, and try my best not to take advantage of what is given to me...
i can only try my best to treasure and make this relationship last as long as i can.

i'm glad that my birthday wish came true, but excited and a little giddy about the future with you..

Burnt Face + Fat

2009-04-06T11:04:00.002+08:00

my life is a bit upside down d..
i'm a bit messy with my life, too much to do, yet so little time available..

went to Poppy on Saturday..
it turn out NOT to be a good day to club after all..
despite 2 people losing their handphones,
i burnt my face...
somebody actually accidentally used a ciggarette to burnt my face.
my face has a big scar now.. i donno wat to do except to minimise the time i spent lookin at d mirror.

even after everything..
i sense hope..
maybe because i think i see a sign..

i will try my best to work hard towards the 'sign'
i will pour in my heart n soul n everything i have..
because i really cannot accept failing anymore..
this is not what i am suppose to be doing..
i cannot imagine my life 5 years later if i continue doing what i'm doin now..
this is not what i wan to do!!!

even though i noe i'm not suppose to expect but merely hope,
but i cannot take it anymore..
if i don get this, i really donno my worth and value anymore..
i cannot accept being this useless...
i cannot accept being just a plain jane...
NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO...

i noe i'm stubborn and seem like i'm acting very cow..
but pls understand the importance of this thing to me..

Stress

2009-03-31T14:55:00.002+08:00

Now I understand...

Now I can understand why the adults always seem so stress and tense, and even why some of them are so stressed up till they start dropping hairs.

Now I understand why my brother first started working, he would always charge his credit card till over limit.

Now I understand why my sister can lose so much weight after started working...

I'm also stressed up...

Stress of my work, my performances and most of all, my financial...

I know I'm suppose to spend within my means, but the weirdest part is, I have never felt so 'strapped' even when I was working for SK-II, it is only now that I seem to realise, the hardest part of being a grown-up is to deal with our own finances. and i only have limited commitments; i wonder how my parents did it, raising 5 children... i truly respect them now.

my salary is really peanut crunches!!! even though i love the people here, i love my job, i love the fact my office is only 5mins away from my house, but i'm really sorry because the pay is too little. i'm having a difficult time to survive!!

i know probably its my fault i have not enough to use, with all the Kim Gary's while my colleagues are going to food court. not to mention, my monthly facials and pedicure is not saving my bank account as well. but i truly believe, after working so hard for a month, we really need to pamper ourselves as a reward. we deserve it! furthermore, life is harsh on girls, if we don take care of ourselves, we would grow old faster and till then it will be too late and even more expensive to save ourselves. so i think, beautifying ourselves is a necessity, not lavish spending.

everytime i calculate my expenses, i feel like crying and throwing tantrum. i feel like shouting i jus want to go back to school and live a carefree life. i am now really afraid of having big dreams because it is not THATT easy!!!

i'm not sure if i can buy my own house in another 2 yrs. i'm really sorry for always teasing my brother for not saving. i'm really sorry for pressuring people around me to earn more money, save and live their dreams... i really know now its not that easy.

sometimes when i'm too stressed up, i feel like giving up. then again, who will take care of me? who will feed me? who will give me a house to stay, pay my bills and take care of me when i grow old? it will be too irresponsible if i keep relying on my parents, its only fait that it is my turn to take care of them now. i cannot rely on my boyfriend because it will be too unfair and harsh on him. how can i throw all the burden of life and growing up to him, when he is also struggling with his own transition into adulthood?

i always 'psycho' myself that this is only a phase, i will get use to it.

haih~~ building a new thrifty habit is not easy. i took my mom's advice and am now tracking my expenses, but sometimes i even feel bad jus by writing them down :P

when we do not have enough money, we can only go and find more money. a new job perhaps? or should i change line into sales?

i'm not sure what to do now. for the time being, i can only make the best out of the worst - control my spending!

OMG... first month of working and i'm on the verge of surrendering. for now, i really hate growing up!!!!

Shallow People

2009-03-18T13:54:00.001+08:00

i thought it would be different,
how would i know there are still shallow idiots in the working world,
i thought people should have grown up by now..
how disappointing..

i have never portray a good and innocent girl,
i have always just been myself!!!

so why is it OK for guys to smoke,
and when u find out i smoke u need to bising so much??
smoke then smoke la...
i would huff and puff in your face and i don really care..

me smoking have no interference with my working capabilities..
me smoking does not have any effect on my efficiency!!

stop being an idiot,
and for once..
look at the effort i have been putting, and the results i have worked so hard for..
grow the @#^*^&@%#! up!!!!!

Past

2009-03-12T10:02:00.002+08:00

everybody has their secret past,
everybody did things that were foolish and they weren't proud of, and hope that nobody will know, and almost wish the 'past' never happened and hope it could jus be burried away...
i admit i did things i weren't proud of and trust me, i'll do everything in my might to make it right...

what is done cannot be undone,
so what we can do is to learn from our mistakes to build a better tomorrow.
but why i feel my past isn't letting me go so easily??
every time i feel i can breath a little louder and easier, it creeps just right up...

like i always say..
we cannot be emotional, we must do what is right..

i donno how long this will go on,
i noe i need to do something but i donno what,
i'm sorry i'm sorry i truly am..
if this is the way you punish me,
all i can say is... i'm really sorry....

I have a Sexy Starfish

2009-03-11T14:09:00.002+08:00

I have a Sexy Starfish,
i just got it 2 weeks ago and is quite happy with it...
everyday, my starfish will swim towards me n wiggle his tail...
so cuteeeeee~~~

but my starfish is always emo..
a little bit of things can make him cranky... O.O
frankly speaking, i don think i have the 'power' to hold his temper..
i always say he is a volcano, he will erupt sooner or later, n i hope i wont be there to see it when he does..

i don have much comments on my starfish now,
just trying to go with the flow...
i'm contented right now :)

What Goes Around, Comes Around

2009-03-06T12:49:00.001+08:00

rmb how i complained i have nothing to do at work and i'm dying of boredom??
my General Manager decided to give me something to do to stop me from 'dying'..
she put me on a...
a....
an exciting, never imagined, totally unexpected, a REALLLLL challenge tasks.
she asked me to translate an English press release into MANDARINNNNN.

i was shocked, but still willingly accepted, it was a challenge to me, and at least, i have something to do.
even though i cannot finish within 1 or 2 hours, but at least, i'm learning something...

i noe i can speak and write simple mandarin, but to translate a formal and professional article would be...
i'm afraid it would sound like a 3-years old trying to write his first essay...
i think she noes,
that is why she borrowed me her dictionary..

hehehe... back to work now. i haven't even finish translating the first sentence :P

BOREDDD

2009-03-04T13:39:00.002+08:00

i am officially BORRRRREEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDD out of my job!!!!!
i love it still, but would appreciate if i have a littttle more work to do..
all i do there everyday is online, online, chat, online, n more chatting..
gosh...
i cannot imagine how i would pass my hrs once my daddy starts to work!!
i guess i will eventually die of boredom...

i can hear some ppl scolding me..
'Fan Jin' 'Fan Jin'..
my daddy always ask me not to complain..
i should be contented right?
i get paid still even when i don really need to do anything...

haiz...
but i wan to do something...
i really wanna start to do something..
this is the 3rd week already n still...

haiz...
i'll still stay on till my 'baby' is born n can stand up n start running..
then i'll have better negotiation power when i jump ship right?

haiz...
i need something to do..
this is ridiculous...

I Want To Lie On a Beach

2009-03-02T11:48:00.002+08:00

i don't know, i really don't know
i feel uncertain already
i feel as if my tummy is twirling, and i'm feeling sick
am i just afraid of moving any further?

maybe it's the tarot cards and the horoscopes,
maybe it's just moving too fast too soon, i'm still not use to it,
maybe it's just me, me being me, me being unconfident

i really superly duperly very deeply madly truly wants to lay on the beach and sleepppp

The Things I Need

2009-02-27T09:48:00.002+08:00

I don't need diamonds nor jewelries,
I don't need branded goods or a trip to France,
what I really need is a sincere heart to tell me he loves me.

I don't dare to wish for forever,
but for the time being, Love me with all you can

if you are SOOOOOO lucky to read this post...

I think i'm falling for you too.. XoXoX0

Malaysian's Plea~~

2009-02-26T11:08:00.002+08:00

copied from Anas' blog - letusaddvalue.blogspot.com
its our malaysian's plea and politicians better do something right away!!!

Dear Malaysian Politicians,

Please stop the power chase, call for a truce and focus on the economy.

I do not claim to speak on behalf of all Malaysians, but I have strong convictions that many share my sentiments.

Our concern today is not who rules the country or heads the state governments but the looming bad economy.

Whether Barisan Nasional or Pakatan Rakyat leads, it is meaningless if Malaysians have no job to go to, no money to pay rent and no means to put food on the table.

I am a business owner, like other business owners and managers of corporations I have a responsibility to ensure people under my care and payroll continue to have jobs and a decent income to take home. We work hard and willing to go the extra mile to make sure our nation not only survive this crisis but come out stronger and wiser. We need your help.

Let me explain. I am in the business of Training, Development and Consultancy and have 20 people in my team.

Saedah is 42. She keeps the office clean and helps organise the training rooms. She has four children and her husband is unemployed. She was first hired on a part time basis, because she is very hard working and has a great attitude, we offered her a full time job to help provide a stable income for her family. Even then, when her third child started school this year, it was a struggle for her to buy new school uniforms and other necessities. Saedah lives on a ‘kais bulan, makan bulan’ basis, so, if she is jobless, her tap runs dry.

Samsuri is 27 years old. He lives with his sister and her family in a low cost government flat in Sunway. He does our despatch, helps with various clerical works and occasionally acts as a driver. During the first week at zubedy, we learned that he not only did not have money to buy new clothes and shoes for work, he had no money for lunch. Like Saedah, if he has no job, his tap runs dry too.

Alicia in Client Servicing turns 26 this year. She lives with her dad who is 71 years old and retired. Her mom passed away when she was little. Alicia is a hard-working team member, has a gentle caring outlook and fun to be with. (We like to poke fun at her as she blushes easily). Last May her dad went through a major operation, thank God he has recovered well. Alicia needs a job, both for herself and her dad.

Sudesh, 38, is one of our facilitators. When his father passed away last year, he moved back and lives with his mother in Seremban. He shuttles between Kuala Lumpur and Seremban daily, leaving home sometimes as early as 4 in the morning and returning late at night. He is no stranger to hard work and sacrifice, he knows what he needs to do to survive and to care for his mother, but he too needs a job.

Like fellow Malaysians, every one of us in zubedy needs employment, those that live from hand to mouth like Saedah and Samsuri and others like Alicia and Sudesh with family to care for. We Malaysians need the Malaysian economy to be strong. We need you, our leaders, to work hard and to work together to make our economy viable.

So this is my plea.

Pakatan Rakyat, please stop your attempts to take over the federal government and persuade BN’s lawmakers to join you. Stop all legal proceedings, no more 916 and let go, just let go. The nation can wait till the next general elections if they want change. By doing so, Malaysians will see your party as caring, unselfish and gracious and give you their support in the next elections.

Barisan Nasional, please stop any attempts to take over PR states and win over PR’s lawmakers. You have proven your point with Perak. The nation can wait for the next general elections if they want your party. Focus all your talent, energy and hard work in steering the country out of an economic downturn. By doing so, Malaysians will see your party as caring, unselfish and smart and give you their support in the next elections.

BN and PR! Call for a truce. Get together and compromise. Someone has to give in. Or has hate consumed your heart till it blinds you? You can do it. You have enough intelligent people between you. I am sure you can find solutions. Take the nation to heart. That is why you are in politics in the first place.

Focus on the people.

Focus on the economy.

Anas Zubedy
Managing Director
Zubedy (M) Sdn Bhd

Working

2009-02-22T15:01:00.002+08:00

i'm sorry for the late update but i have been BUSYYYYY!!!!!!!!!
just started working for a week, but already i have so many things to do, everyday OT still cannot finish, now i REALLY know how difficult it is to earn a decent wage.

nevertheless, i am loving my job more and more,
maybe because its my colleagues,
maybe because its my job scope,
maybe because i just love it... ^^

anyways, my dear friends, please do not forget to invite me to your yum cha sessions,
i promise to go every time i can...

went poppy y'day, it was ALEXLYN and SIEW LING's b'day...
had an awesome time, but i realise, every time OJ SIM is there, i am sure going home drunk =.=

some things happened, but i don really know how to react to it, hehe...
just let it flow la... don really wanna think about it... :P

Love Ya ALLLLLLLLL

Disappointed

2009-02-11T18:04:00.002+08:00

its been 2 months since i've graduated and i'm still unemployed.
i've been searching, i've attended interviews, and i actually got 2 offers,
but i've rejected them, because i don think its the path i wanna go...

i actually gained from each interviews,
i would realise how shallow i am, how naive i am, and how unprepared i am for the real world,
each interview would teach me a bit more about myself, so i would need to work on my flaws and prepare more for the next one...
each interview that rejects me makes me feel like a failure..
i would wonder why have i failed,
i would wonder what my competitors have that i don't?
i begin to question myself, because i really cannot accept this happening...

i never expected it to be so difficult,
i never expected it to be so hard,
i never expected to fail...

i'm lost right now,
i am really lost,
i do not know what is waiting for me in front,
and i don't even think i have the courage to walk further front,
i know some people say i'm over reacting,
and yes may be i am,
but to tell you the truth,
i am really afraid...

i really hope i will wake up from this nightmare as soon as possible,
i'll still keep on trying,
but my spirits are definately weakening...

Life...

I Really Don't Know

2009-01-19T19:19:00.002+08:00

i used to be so sure of what i want, and then i would do all i can to achieve it...
i used to be so sure of the 'path' i wanted to walk on, and i would dedicate all my energy on it...
but then again... i was young...
as we grow older, wiser and gain much experiences, our priority changes, views on life also changes, and hence, the things we want also changes.

i really do not know what i want right now,
i have never been so uncertain, i am feeling a bit scare...
i have never been so lost, i don't really feel like going on the journey...
i'm so lost, i don't know what to do now..
all i do now, is play play play, have fun and play...
all i want to do is that too,
please do not burden me with heavy questions nor question my actions..
i do not know and i don't want to know..
i just feel like flying in the clouds with no worries...
i just want to 'drift away'...
away from all the problems and worries in life,

i'm not being irresponsible, i just don't really want to think...
i'm afraid i can't get what i want,
i'm afraid things do not go my way,
i'm afraid i would cry,
i'm afraid of growing up...

i feel like puking when some one asks me what i wan,
i don't know how to answer it,
and i don't want to answer it..

i really don't know....

Thank You

2009-01-13T15:21:00.002+08:00

first, i would like to thank Mr. OJ SIM for making it ALL happen ^^ (PS: you know what i mean right??)

next, i would like to thank everybody that have taken care of me during poppy... i'm really sorry for causing all the trouble and i didn't mean it!!! i swear!!! my first time sooooo serious~~ i wasn't even like that during PALL MALL event, nor at sanctuary.. haih~~ my clubber image ruin again~~

thanks to my kai jie for 'nagging' and taking care of my belongings,
thanks to kar wai for not leaving me alone,
thanks to clive kor kor for being my pillar of strength :P,
thanks to sook huay for taking care of me~~ even in the car,
thanks to alex,
thanks to james and huay shan for sending me home,
thanks to irene and chris and everybody else i forgot to mention...
was quite TIPSY so i couldn't remember much, besides i vomited on my LV *sobsssss* lesson learn - never bring LV to clubs.

LOVE ALLLLLLLL OF YOU, Wish ya all HAPPY NEW YEARRRRRRRRRRR... meet at poh yuet's hse to gamble loooo~~ ^^

Updates...

2008-12-27T13:42:00.003+08:00

so.. what have i done ever since i officially graduated??

besides clubbing at least once a week (btw, i didn't go this week yet!! hurray!!), i worked for james and alex at PC Fair, this would be my first and last PC Fair!! so tiring~~
i went for Massive Rave and it was AWESOME!!!!!
i straighten my hair back!! curl was too 'old' for me :P waste money~~
i went for pre-x'mas exchange in mun yee's hse and got a bag,
celebrated x'mas with my dear friends where i had to fake being sleepy just to go home earlier,
yum cha with my first boyfriend n raelene ofcoz, and went to movie twice with kar wai!! Bedtime stories is really sweet!!!

i've been busy looking for jobs, but to no avail, my dream one has not called me *sobs*

i've made some new friends (thanks to jennifer) and... things got abit complicated.. hahaha.. jen's advice for me is to ignore him~~

someone dear to me once said i'm too naive because i truly believe everybody in this world is good. if i'm good to someone, s/he should be good in return right? well, a reality check reveals that there are liars, actors, and people who are just plain evil... hahaha.. luckily i still have friends who truly care for me, and they are always there to help me spot the fakers ^^

love is last on my list right now, as i have told raelene.. 'men in my life comes and go.. not worth mentioning' :P

my dream job.. u better call me!!!!!!!! i don wanna work for other people la... i only wan YOU YOU YOU!!!!!

Fun Fun Fun

2008-11-30T14:33:00.002+08:00

its been awhile since i've update my blog, so wat has hpn??

first, i've finished my Final Finals!!! wat a relieve!! hope my results will come out okay :P
secondly, i had like 5 cakes for this year's b'day... thanks to alll my wonderful friends ^^
i also went to casino for d first time!! n realised, i don have any luck in gambling :(
third, it was d pall mall event!!
i have almost 90 friends there, n i think we all had a blast!! d only hiccup was it ended pretty early (1.30am), if it ended later, i'm sure i'll have a few friends drunk... hehe

haih~~ so wat's next??
results will be out on 15 Dec,
there's another event on 17 Dec,
our gang is having a x'mas gift exchange on 21 Dec,
but i think, i'll start looking for a real job..
enough playing already, time to get serious!!! ^^

Love

2008-11-11T14:38:00.002+08:00

i received an email from my friend, its about love..
how to love, and how we always seem to take people around us for granted..
many of us, seem to lose it after being together for a long time, we seem to forget the passion that once brought us together, we seem to forget the things we loved each other so much for...
many of us, seem to greedier, wanting more and more until the other party cannot give anymore, this is why, most relationship fail after so long, because we forget, because we became greedier, because we became selfish...

爱的感觉，总是在一开始觉得很甜蜜，总觉得多一个人陪、多一个人帮你分担，你终於不再孤单了，至少有一个人想著你、恋著你，不论做什么事情，只要能一起，就是好的，但是慢慢的，随著彼此的认识愈深，你开始发现了对方的缺点，於是问题一个接著一个发生，你开始烦、累，甚至想要逃避, 很多人以为是因为感情淡了，所以人才会变得懒惰。错！其实是人先被惰性征服，所以感情才会变淡的。

当你爱一个人的时候，爱到八分绝对刚刚好。所有的期待和希望都只有七八分；剩下两三分用来爱自己。如果你还继续爱得更多，很可能会给对方沉重的压力，让彼此喘不过气来，完全丧失了爱情的乐趣。

如果你也正在为爱迷惘，或许下面这段话可以给你一些启示：爱一个人，要了解，也要开解；要道歉，也要道谢；要认错，也要改错；要体贴，也要体谅；是接受，而不是忍受；是宽容，而不是纵容；是支持，而不是支配；是慰问，而不是质问；是倾诉，而不是控诉；是难忘，而不是遗忘；是彼此交流，而不是凡事交代；是为对方默默祈求，而不是向对方诸多要求；可以浪漫，但不要浪费；可以随时牵手，但不要随便分手。

women are monkeys because men are dogs

2008-11-05T00:59:00.002+08:00

my guy friend who was recently dumped by his girlfriend for another guy came up with an interesting theory - women are monkeys..

y??
have you seen how monkeys climb trees?
they would use one hand to hold on to a branch while the other hand would reach out for a higher one, they would not let go of the lower branch until they are sure they can hold firmly to the higher one. ^^

my counter theory??
this is because men are dogs...
men are like dogs, they would f**k any bitches they find outside, even though they have a loyal companion waiting for them at home, this is why the streets are filled with stray dogs..

the guy never treated the girl well, at his lowest point of life, the girl was practically working to support him and to pay off his debts, her reward? the guy found another girl outside... after all the cold and hot wars, the guy finally realised his mistake, and begin to appreaciate the girl...
it would be a fairy tale if the guy thought they would live happily after..

the girl is hurt, no matter how the guy apologise, no matter how the girl say she'll forgive you, a part of her is hurt, a part of her feels betrayed, a part of her feel insecure, the love they once shared is not so perfect anymore, how can a fairytale be imperfect??

many times, girls become 'bad' and 'naughty' because they were once hurt, because the men they loved seems to prefer these kind of girls more, since they are spending more time with them, and guys would lie and cheat their girlfriends just to spend more time with these naughty girls. so since guys like them so much, then we would just be 'them'.
at least, this is what happened for my case ^^
no worries, i still know my limits :)

guys, please do not think only you can play games, we girls can definitely win you in this kind of game..
do not be so immature and expect to forgiven by saying a simply 'sorry', we girls could do the same thing, then you can tell me if you can forgive me..

if you do not want to be hurt, please do not hurt other people, i'm a strong believer of the proverb 'Do unto others as you would be undo'. and i do believe in KARMA!!!

i don't know why, men around me tend to be immature jerks, except the fewwwwww (to any guys that read this post :P) haihzzz... where oh where is my prince charming?? ^^

*我很期待我最后一份生日礼物,它不会是名贵的东西,可是多多钱也买不到.*

T.R.U.S.T

2008-10-25T20:46:00.003+08:00

T - Truth
R - Reliability
U - Us
S - Sincere
T - Trust

these are the values that should exist in a relationship, without these, the relationship is meaningless, yet 'burdening' for the people involved.

trust need to be gain and earned, it is not to be given lightly... when you betray my trust, do not expect to be forgiven so easily, feelings are hurt and wound would not heal so easily... the scar will be there forever, to remind us of the damage done.

i believe, and truly do, that men do not change overnight.
when i sense your changes, i just kept quiet, my thought begin to wonder, trying to find good explanations and reasons for your changes.
when i believe i am deceived, i would not confront you straight away, because with all the lies you told, i cannot really differeantiate the truth from the lies..
i need to find out, i need to know..
i need to confirm my suspicions..
i believe in myself, i believe in my instincts...

if you don't love me as much, please let me know..
please let me go as i have beg you so many times..
men are selfish, but i sincerely hope that a conscious part of you would realise how hurt i am..
for once, please be truthful to me...
let me know, and please let me go...

people rarely marry the ones they truly love, they always marry the 'right' one, who conveniently is at the right time...
maybe we are meant to be... we are meant to be apart...

Kar Wai's Theory

2008-10-05T16:37:00.002+08:00

i think i could relate to kar wai's new found theory,
the theory of 'Stranger-Ship in a Relation-Ship' ^^

i cannot find any words to describe my current situation,
my life now at this state can only be described as 'messy', and even that cannot fully picture what is happening...

i have never felt so hopeless, so uncertain, so.... empty as today..
we love each other so dearly, and yet we chose to stay apart,
no explanation was needed, no words were spoken,
we understood, this is the best for both of us.
even though i can see the love slipping away from us, i could not decide whether to hold on to it, or to just let it flow, such dilemma.
as i had said, i choose to go with the flow...

this is when the Stranger-Ship arised in our Relation-Ship...
we were once so closed, no secrets between us, we could discuss about everything, i would miss you every minute, wondering what you are up to, the bond between us was so strong, our dearest friends are still very shocked why we broke up in the first place.

we broke up because our personalities were so alike and yet so different.
we broke up because our vision and life path for the future were so alike but yet so different.
i know it makes no sense, but then, this is the strange part of the relationship.

i understand, we could never be like before,
i understand, letting each other go is only a matter of time,
we are still stubbornly grasping on to something, because we know, if we let go, we will be left with nothing at all...
what is that thing, we do not know, this is the uncertainty we are willing to gamble on.
maybe if we hold on to each other long enough, something would happen to bring us back together again,
maybe if we hold on to each other long enough, we would understand that we could still live together happily despites our differences.

this is the strange part of the relationship...
deep inside us (at least for me), we know this would not work,
i know that we are just wasting time, hoping it would be easier and less hurtful to let go,
we made an agreement to not see each other so often,
because we knew the flames will start burning again soon ^^
we love each other so much, that we understand being together would only hurt each other more...
we love each other so much, we are willing to let go....

Yes, I Am Stubborn

2008-09-30T19:22:00.002+08:00

Yes, I am stubborn, when i make a decision, i will stick to it,
Yes, I have ZERO tolerance for stupid excuses and nonsense, and it is very difficult to convince me...
i do not give myself excuses to fail,
and hence, i do not give people around me many chances to fail...
i always think that people who find themselves reasons to fail, are those people who are not strong nor brave enough to face the truth,
so, you know why u failed, so there should not be a second time right??
when there is a second n third time, it is clearly you are not an achiever.

i have always been tough on myself,
because of this, i have always shown a strong and tough face,
i seldom show my weak and vulnerable side...
this is because i do not want people to see me failing...
it is because my ego do not let me fail...
it is not because i cannot fail,
when you want me to accept your nonsense for not able to achieve the goal,
then please give me room to fail too,
then i want you to tell me how does it feel to be let down and disappointed again and again...

i have never been unreasonable,
it is just very difficult to convince me,
so before you want to talk to me,
please prepare your script,
do not give me the opportunity to 'shoot' you back,
because i will not care for your pride,
if you want to act dumb, then you have no pride, so why should i care?
and most importantly,
please USE YOUR BRAIN before talking to me!!!!!!!!!

一步一步慢慢来~

2008-09-25T15:15:00.002+08:00

我只想一步一步慢慢地得到我想要的东西,
其余的我不想多想...
我才21,想拥有的东西太多了,多得数不清.
我现在要做的,就是一步一步慢慢的争取我想要的.
爱情我不要再想了,该来的会来,是我的我也躲不掉.
只是现在,我很清楚我要的是什么,不要的我也骗不了自己.

RIght n Wrong

2008-09-17T02:45:00.002+08:00

how do we differentiate right from wrong?
how do we know what is really right and wrong?
we do many things unconsciously, and many times we do what we thought it was alright, just to find out in the end what we did was wrong...
many times, we need to take into consideration many things and many ppl, and in the end, we might not find the perfect decision to please everybody..
many times, we cannot do what we want to do, because life is not as simple as 1, 2, 3...

i know wat i'm doing now is not right,
and i know one day, somebody might get hurt, including me...
i know one day i will need to pay for my actions,
and i know that day will be painful for many people...

when that day comes,
please forgive me for not having the courage to do the 'right' thing now,
when that day comes,
please forgive me for being selfish...

trust me, i have tried..
trust me, i have made effort...
but in the end, i choose to go with the flow..
because at this moment,
i really don't want to think what is right and what is wrong...

Be Strong..

2008-09-14T16:30:00.002+08:00

to all the girls out there who are hurt by their idiotic boyfriends, in any way..
have the courage to be strong, as how you found the courage to love,
time will pass n wound will be heal, as how time made you grew the love you had for him..
the only person that can save you, is you yourself..
you are your own saviour~~

seeing my friends falling in a rut, and all i can do is to be there for them, make me feel so hopeless, yet it made me realise how strong i am, to be still able to hold on to myself, and not let my world fall apart..

but i wonder, how long can i continue this??

PS: Wah Wah n Cole... Love you~~ Stay Strong~~

Mid Term

2008-09-09T16:30:00.002+08:00

mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term
mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term
mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term
mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term
mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term
mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term
mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term
mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term
mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term
mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term mid term

the mid term stress is catching up.....

My Last War

2008-09-08T15:33:00.002+08:00

i'm not very good at expressing myself,
that is y i keep quiet most of the time,
i understand ur problems and difficulties,
that is y i tried my best to be understanding,
but as years past,
it seem to be a bad habit,
taking advantage of me, forgetting my needs jus to satisfy others,

yeap~~ i promise,
i promise this would be my last fight,
i doubt i would have the energy to continue fighting anyways,
n i think i owe everybody around me some peace n quiet...
i know it sucks to give up so fast,
but i don see the point of fighting anymore when my messages isnt goin anywhere..
no point of talking, no point of discussing,
u n i are d same,
we make our decisions n we stick to it, no matter wat, neither of us are compromising,
hence, i promise u, this will be my last fight,

my last war with u to fight for wat i wan,
my last war with u in hopes u'll understand how i feel,
my last war with u to prove to me what i think n feel is wrong,
my last war with u to prove to me u still love me~~

mayb its because i've neva said anything before,
that is y u got shocked when i told u,
mayb its because i've been so quiet before n all the tension n emotions jus build up in me,
i tend to burts like a volcano errupting, that is y u got taken aback,
i've neva intended for anybody to get hurt,
i've neva intended to build up so much stress for everybody,
i've neva intended to make u cry,
i jus need u to understand,
how much i'm dying inside...
in order to stop feeling the pain, i need to either shut my heart, or leave the cause,
do not...
do not force me to leave...
for when i make a decision,
u know best i will stick to it,
for when i make a decision,
u know best there is no turning back..
thus, this will be my last fight with u,
my last fight for things i wan,
n your last chance to prove urselves...

I Believe In Myself

2008-09-05T23:25:00.002+08:00

this won't be another emo post, i promise ^^
as my title suggest.. yes, i do believe in myself, more than anybody else..
i believe on my judgment on people,
i believe in my decisions,
i believe my instincts,
n most of all, i believe in my heart..
when too many people get involve in something, it always makes it more confusing,
other people can only provide suggestions and their opinions,
but it is me who can only make the decision,
n it is me who need to bear the consequences..
hence, i always ALWAYS believed in myself.
because it is only me, who will stay true to myself,
it is only me, who will not lie to myself....
since i believe in myself so much,
so i need you all to have a little faith in me too :)
believe in whatever decision i make...
even its not the perfect one,
even you all can't seem to understand,
even somebody might get hurt...
i really need you all to trust me,
believe in me...

Makan Makan~~

2008-09-04T12:56:00.002+08:00

because we r a bunch of spoilt kids :P
d gang plans to have a makan-makan outing each week~~
it would be held every friday and d venue would change each week..
any interested parties can feel free to join us, the more the merrier!!!
this would be a great opportunity for us to bond (even though we see each other practically everyday!!)
n to do wat we do best - gossips!!!!!
hahaha...
we are all going to graduate soon, n we won't know how long we can do this..
hopefully we can continue this after we graduate ^^
cheers~ friends forever!!!!

让懂你的人爱你

2008-09-02T13:15:00.003+08:00

my buddy Joe sent me this song to 'shoot' me~~
quite meaningful though~~ ^^

你忘不了开始的甜蜜
却怕想起未来的情景
他是会认错的听你哭泣音
直到下次又不小心忘记
你解释着孤寂和无力
他却相信那只是情绪
当埋怨都变得没有意义
你想留住的是什么东西
离开爱过的人和回忆
怎能不挣扎不痛心
但是一个最难的决定
往往是最好的决定
让懂你的人爱你　
重选一份值得坚持的感情　
爱只是一种一点点冲动就可以　
了解却少些默契都不行
让懂你的人爱你　
别舍不得过去只为了可惜　
相爱不只是走进对方的生活　
更要能走进彼此的生命

I Feel Like Crying..

2008-09-01T14:16:00.003+08:00

nothing happened, i just felt like it...
a sudden urge for me to shed tears for no apparent reasons...
i'm not feeling well,
i'm not well inside nor outside..
i'm so sick i just wish i could cry it out loud!!!!
even though u see me smiling everyday,
but deep inside, i'm crying to be free...
i've neva said i'm ok,
i've neva said i'm fine,
i don need you to comfort me...
i just need you to be there to hear me cry...
i think one of the reason i couldn't get out of this rut is because i've neva really face the problem.
i always seemed 'OK' after the break up, going clubs, keeping myself busy, neva had i once say i missed him, but my world goes a little offbeat each time he calls, he couldn't let me go, testing my determination and patience to leave him once n for all.
my brain and my heart can't seem to agree on my next course of actions...
well my brain clearly forbids me to see him again,
every inch of my hearts would jus love for me to forget about everything and go back to him, forgetting all d pain, forgetting all d tears, forgetting all d ppl i would disappoint..
i'm actually quite amazed of myself for still being in sane, for still trying to keep every bit of me together..
its tough work though, and i'm not sure how long i can keep this going.. :)
i jus feel like crying, crying my heart out for once and for all..
i have always resists d urge to do so because i don wan anybody to worry about me..
but wat about me?? T.T
oh gosh... i really need my ciggies~~

All About Fags~~

2008-08-30T23:23:00.002+08:00

i think many of u may have known,
yes~~ i smoke :P
n my mom has jus confirmed that with me a few hrs ago...
she asked if i smoke, i knew she knew d answer but i still had to lied,
she said i'm a big girl n i should noe wat is good for me, n said its enough that i've tried, i should stop...
i didn't answer...
i didn't noe how to...
i picked up d 'skill' 1 year ago, when i broke up with my ex (again~~)..
i fell into depression, n smoking was d only thing that stop me from killing myself...
but then, i didn't get hook on it, i soon stop smoking when i joined gym...
i got rid of alllll d bad energy i have by running countless hours on d treadmill..
n recently... i started again, n sad to admit... its getting heavier...
yes.. i broke up with my ex again (the same one) :P
but i don really think its all because of it..
many things had happen... n i jus got emo~~
i smoke when i'm alone, n i smoke even more when i'm emo...
how do i stop??
keep me happy ofcoz!! hahaha...
i may sound like a brat..
but trust me, i'm trying my best already to be optimistic..
but ppl tend to take advantage of me!!!
$#%$#&^%*$*
i don think i'll stop smoking soon, n i promise i'll try my best to keep it under control...
cross ur fingers that everything will be fine so i can stop smoking soon
:)

Singlehood~~

2008-08-26T17:40:00.002+08:00

wondering how's my life post-break up??
hehe.. well, i've been busy n having LOADS of fun..
busy catching up with friends, busy clubbing, busy hanging out, busy yum-cha...
basically busy doing things i've missed out when i had a partner :P
i've watched at leastttt 7 movies in d past month with my faithful 'ji mui' (joe).. hehe
i've regained my image as a clubber :P
i've been to malacca's 8TV Summer Live Concert where i had a BLASTTTT...
i've been roaming around Klang Valley to satisfy my tastebuds..
i've been making a lot of new friends!!
haih~~ who said being single sucks??
i had more fun being single than having a mate.. haha
ofcoz there's the occasion where i felt lonely, due to all d extra time i have now, no need to waste time with him :P
ofcoz there's the rare occasion i miss him so dearly coz we had so much together for so long...
anyways... i believe i can go through all this.. i have my darling friends with me, helping me~~
i've never hated him nor regretting loving him...
i can never bring myself to hate a person, it's much easier to jus rmb the sweet parts ^^
we've made a deal not to contact each other for at least 6months because we wanted a clean cut...
i wonder wat will hpn then?
will we feel awkward bumping into each other in a shopping mall?? hehe...
i still can't stop talking n thinking about him, his been popping in my mind every chance he gets..
i guess he will always be a part of me, but i seriously need to get rid of this bad habit...
i'm definately enjoying life as a single, but i'll never be afraid to fall in love again~~
still hopeful, anticipating, and anxious~~

Guys Who Dance!!!

2008-08-24T19:01:00.004+08:00

don't ask me y, but i have always, Always been attracted to guys that can dance!!!
they jus send a strong 'magnetic wave' that manage to attract me!!
mayb its also that 'bad boy' image these guys always have, its a package.. hehe
guys that can move their body, most of the time have that bad boy look as well...
i went malacca y'day for the 8tv Summer Live Show,
n boy oh boy~~ i fell in LOVE with Show Luo Zhi Xiang!!!!!
that baby can move!!!!!!!!!
i read Cleo today and quote from it "relationship for people who are in 18-22 should be fun and not serious". it made me thought, yeah~~ i should have fun for awhile, and it works well for me coz i'm definately not ready for anything serious~ :P i guess this will make me feel less guilty for 'hanging out' with different guys.. hehe anyways.. nothing serious dong~~ fun fun fun!!!!

重要~~

2008-08-20T20:47:00.003+08:00

对你来说我或许很重要,可是请原谅我察觉不到.
我明白你的表达能力很差,可是也请你明白我的需要.
不是我没有给你机会,而是你没有好好珍惜.
机会给了太多,变得没意思了.
机会给了太多,变得不重要了~
谢谢你让这一切发生,好让我彻底地死心.
不再抱着任何希望,努力地往前走.
我会好好地,我会很努力地抛开一切往前走.
偶尔回想起,我回记得我们曾经拥有的美好回忆.
我相信你是爱我的,可是你的爱让我的心好疼.
就让我们一起努力的学习放手,让彼此都有快乐的机会~
我对你的爱永远都不会变,
可是请原谅我没有继续爱你的勇气.

Introduction

2008-08-18T20:20:00.000+08:00

yuuhuu~~ this would be my 4th blog, don't ask me what happened to the rest, cause i don't even remember the blog addresses.. hehehe.. i stopped blogging for awhile because i thought i poured too much and got too dependent on it. its quite dangerous how a person can let out so much on something so... insecured... different people may interpret differently on what you say, and something that should be private would just be another topic in school so fast... so why have i decided to open my 4th blog?? hahaha... well, for the same reason i stopped in the past, i needed a place to express myself ^^ but i'll be careful this time not to say too much, and would password-protect it if i think its too much..

which so much happening in my life right now, i would be updating this regularly~~ stay tuned!!