To Accept Rejection

I must learn the art of accepting rejection and not feel so useless, dejected after it..
afterall i have been rejected for the past 6 months...
i had numerous interview for the past 6 months but I don't know why people have not offered me...
am I that lousy afterall?
am I that useless afterall?
i begin to doubt myself..
never have i felt so underachieved..
never have i felt things cannot be achieved if we want it..
never have i felt so out of control~~
please please please... i beg you...
please please please... i wanna change job already!!!
please please please... i promise i will work damn hard and put all my commitments there..
please please please.. i beg you..

Sick

I am sick,
mentally, physically and emotionally,
I really need a place to hide and cry...
Please..
Just one day for me to be alone and cry...

Mixed Feelings

you know y i love the beach so much?
because i love how the wind goes through my hair,
i love how the sea smells, and the sound of the wave,
it makes me feel calm, and everything will be alright.

haih~~
i feel things have gone to a serious stage..
really really serious..
so serious until i feel afraid.
so serious until i feel like crying already.

our relationship has always been in a fast forward mode,
but i thought feelings this deep should come much later...
not so soon,
not now...
this is why, i always insisted time alone,
i always insisted time spent away from each other,
because i need time to calm down and think..
i need time to analyze and decide..
i cannot let my emotions run my heart...

words are not enough to describe how i feel right now..
excited? afraid? scare? happy?

it is as though, my 1st time in my 22 years of life that i felt..
a true princess..
but i am also afraid i'll lose this one day...
i can only be thankful, and try my best not to take advantage of what is given to me...
i can only try my best to treasure and make this relationship last as long as i can.

i'm glad that my birthday wish came true, but excited and a little giddy about the future with you..

Burnt Face + Fat

my life is a bit upside down d..
i'm a bit messy with my life, too much to do, yet so little time available..

went to Poppy on Saturday..
it turn out NOT to be a good day to club after all..
despite 2 people losing their handphones,
i burnt my face...
somebody actually accidentally used a ciggarette to burnt my face.
my face has a big scar now.. i donno wat to do except to minimise the time i spent lookin at d mirror.

even after everything..
i sense hope..
maybe because i think i see a sign..

i will try my best to work hard towards the 'sign'
i will pour in my heart n soul n everything i have..
because i really cannot accept failing anymore..
this is not what i am suppose to be doing..
i cannot imagine my life 5 years later if i continue doing what i'm doin now..
this is not what i wan to do!!!

even though i noe i'm not suppose to expect but merely hope,
but i cannot take it anymore..
if i don get this, i really donno my worth and value anymore..
i cannot accept being this useless...
i cannot accept being just a plain jane...
NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO...

i noe i'm stubborn and seem like i'm acting very cow..
but pls understand the importance of this thing to me..

Stress

Now I understand...

Now I can understand why the adults always seem so stress and tense, and even why some of them are so stressed up till they start dropping hairs.

Now I understand why my brother first started working, he would always charge his credit card till over limit.

Now I understand why my sister can lose so much weight after started working...

I'm also stressed up...

Stress of my work, my performances and most of all, my financial...

I know I'm suppose to spend within my means, but the weirdest part is, I have never felt so 'strapped' even when I was working for SK-II, it is only now that I seem to realise, the hardest part of being a grown-up is to deal with our own finances. and i only have limited commitments; i wonder how my parents did it, raising 5 children... i truly respect them now.

my salary is really peanut crunches!!! even though i love the people here, i love my job, i love the fact my office is only 5mins away from my house, but i'm really sorry because the pay is too little. i'm having a difficult time to survive!!

i know probably its my fault i have not enough to use, with all the Kim Gary's while my colleagues are going to food court. not to mention, my monthly facials and pedicure is not saving my bank account as well. but i truly believe, after working so hard for a month, we really need to pamper ourselves as a reward. we deserve it! furthermore, life is harsh on girls, if we don take care of ourselves, we would grow old faster and till then it will be too late and even more expensive to save ourselves. so i think, beautifying ourselves is a necessity, not lavish spending.

everytime i calculate my expenses, i feel like crying and throwing tantrum. i feel like shouting i jus want to go back to school and live a carefree life. i am now really afraid of having big dreams because it is not THATT easy!!!

i'm not sure if i can buy my own house in another 2 yrs. i'm really sorry for always teasing my brother for not saving. i'm really sorry for pressuring people around me to earn more money, save and live their dreams... i really know now its not that easy.

sometimes when i'm too stressed up, i feel like giving up. then again, who will take care of me? who will feed me? who will give me a house to stay, pay my bills and take care of me when i grow old? it will be too irresponsible if i keep relying on my parents, its only fait that it is my turn to take care of them now. i cannot rely on my boyfriend because it will be too unfair and harsh on him. how can i throw all the burden of life and growing up to him, when he is also struggling with his own transition into adulthood?

i always 'psycho' myself that this is only a phase, i will get use to it.

haih~~ building a new thrifty habit is not easy. i took my mom's advice and am now tracking my expenses, but sometimes i even feel bad jus by writing them down :P

when we do not have enough money, we can only go and find more money. a new job perhaps? or should i change line into sales?

i'm not sure what to do now. for the time being, i can only make the best out of the worst - control my spending!

OMG... first month of working and i'm on the verge of surrendering. for now, i really hate growing up!!!!

Shallow People

i thought it would be different,
how would i know there are still shallow idiots in the working world,
i thought people should have grown up by now..
how disappointing..

i have never portray a good and innocent girl,
i have always just been myself!!!

so why is it OK for guys to smoke,
and when u find out i smoke u need to bising so much??
smoke then smoke la...
i would huff and puff in your face and i don really care..

me smoking have no interference with my working capabilities..
me smoking does not have any effect on my efficiency!!

stop being an idiot,
and for once..
look at the effort i have been putting, and the results i have worked so hard for..
grow the @#^*^&@%#! up!!!!!

Past

everybody has their secret past,
everybody did things that were foolish and they weren't proud of, and hope that nobody will know, and almost wish the 'past' never happened and hope it could jus be burried away...
i admit i did things i weren't proud of and trust me, i'll do everything in my might to make it right...

what is done cannot be undone,
so what we can do is to learn from our mistakes to build a better tomorrow.
but why i feel my past isn't letting me go so easily??
every time i feel i can breath a little louder and easier, it creeps just right up...

like i always say..
we cannot be emotional, we must do what is right..

i donno how long this will go on,
i noe i need to do something but i donno what,
i'm sorry i'm sorry i truly am..
if this is the way you punish me,
all i can say is... i'm really sorry....