To Accept Rejection

I must learn the art of accepting rejection and not feel so useless, dejected after it..
afterall i have been rejected for the past 6 months...
i had numerous interview for the past 6 months but I don't know why people have not offered me...
am I that lousy afterall?
am I that useless afterall?
i begin to doubt myself..
never have i felt so underachieved..
never have i felt things cannot be achieved if we want it..
never have i felt so out of control~~
please please please... i beg you...
please please please... i wanna change job already!!!
please please please... i promise i will work damn hard and put all my commitments there..
please please please.. i beg you..

Sick

I am sick,
mentally, physically and emotionally,
I really need a place to hide and cry...
Please..
Just one day for me to be alone and cry...

Mixed Feelings

you know y i love the beach so much?
because i love how the wind goes through my hair,
i love how the sea smells, and the sound of the wave,
it makes me feel calm, and everything will be alright.

haih~~
i feel things have gone to a serious stage..
really really serious..
so serious until i feel afraid.
so serious until i feel like crying already.

our relationship has always been in a fast forward mode,
but i thought feelings this deep should come much later...
not so soon,
not now...
this is why, i always insisted time alone,
i always insisted time spent away from each other,
because i need time to calm down and think..
i need time to analyze and decide..
i cannot let my emotions run my heart...

words are not enough to describe how i feel right now..
excited? afraid? scare? happy?

it is as though, my 1st time in my 22 years of life that i felt..
a true princess..
but i am also afraid i'll lose this one day...
i can only be thankful, and try my best not to take advantage of what is given to me...
i can only try my best to treasure and make this relationship last as long as i can.

i'm glad that my birthday wish came true, but excited and a little giddy about the future with you..

Burnt Face + Fat

my life is a bit upside down d..
i'm a bit messy with my life, too much to do, yet so little time available..

went to Poppy on Saturday..
it turn out NOT to be a good day to club after all..
despite 2 people losing their handphones,
i burnt my face...
somebody actually accidentally used a ciggarette to burnt my face.
my face has a big scar now.. i donno wat to do except to minimise the time i spent lookin at d mirror.

even after everything..
i sense hope..
maybe because i think i see a sign..

i will try my best to work hard towards the 'sign'
i will pour in my heart n soul n everything i have..
because i really cannot accept failing anymore..
this is not what i am suppose to be doing..
i cannot imagine my life 5 years later if i continue doing what i'm doin now..
this is not what i wan to do!!!

even though i noe i'm not suppose to expect but merely hope,
but i cannot take it anymore..
if i don get this, i really donno my worth and value anymore..
i cannot accept being this useless...
i cannot accept being just a plain jane...
NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO...

i noe i'm stubborn and seem like i'm acting very cow..
but pls understand the importance of this thing to me..

Stress

Now I understand...

Now I can understand why the adults always seem so stress and tense, and even why some of them are so stressed up till they start dropping hairs.

Now I understand why my brother first started working, he would always charge his credit card till over limit.

Now I understand why my sister can lose so much weight after started working...

I'm also stressed up...

Stress of my work, my performances and most of all, my financial...

I know I'm suppose to spend within my means, but the weirdest part is, I have never felt so 'strapped' even when I was working for SK-II, it is only now that I seem to realise, the hardest part of being a grown-up is to deal with our own finances. and i only have limited commitments; i wonder how my parents did it, raising 5 children... i truly respect them now.

my salary is really peanut crunches!!! even though i love the people here, i love my job, i love the fact my office is only 5mins away from my house, but i'm really sorry because the pay is too little. i'm having a difficult time to survive!!

i know probably its my fault i have not enough to use, with all the Kim Gary's while my colleagues are going to food court. not to mention, my monthly facials and pedicure is not saving my bank account as well. but i truly believe, after working so hard for a month, we really need to pamper ourselves as a reward. we deserve it! furthermore, life is harsh on girls, if we don take care of ourselves, we would grow old faster and till then it will be too late and even more expensive to save ourselves. so i think, beautifying ourselves is a necessity, not lavish spending.

everytime i calculate my expenses, i feel like crying and throwing tantrum. i feel like shouting i jus want to go back to school and live a carefree life. i am now really afraid of having big dreams because it is not THATT easy!!!

i'm not sure if i can buy my own house in another 2 yrs. i'm really sorry for always teasing my brother for not saving. i'm really sorry for pressuring people around me to earn more money, save and live their dreams... i really know now its not that easy.

sometimes when i'm too stressed up, i feel like giving up. then again, who will take care of me? who will feed me? who will give me a house to stay, pay my bills and take care of me when i grow old? it will be too irresponsible if i keep relying on my parents, its only fait that it is my turn to take care of them now. i cannot rely on my boyfriend because it will be too unfair and harsh on him. how can i throw all the burden of life and growing up to him, when he is also struggling with his own transition into adulthood?

i always 'psycho' myself that this is only a phase, i will get use to it.

haih~~ building a new thrifty habit is not easy. i took my mom's advice and am now tracking my expenses, but sometimes i even feel bad jus by writing them down :P

when we do not have enough money, we can only go and find more money. a new job perhaps? or should i change line into sales?

i'm not sure what to do now. for the time being, i can only make the best out of the worst - control my spending!

OMG... first month of working and i'm on the verge of surrendering. for now, i really hate growing up!!!!

Shallow People

i thought it would be different,
how would i know there are still shallow idiots in the working world,
i thought people should have grown up by now..
how disappointing..

i have never portray a good and innocent girl,
i have always just been myself!!!

so why is it OK for guys to smoke,
and when u find out i smoke u need to bising so much??
smoke then smoke la...
i would huff and puff in your face and i don really care..

me smoking have no interference with my working capabilities..
me smoking does not have any effect on my efficiency!!

stop being an idiot,
and for once..
look at the effort i have been putting, and the results i have worked so hard for..
grow the @#^*^&@%#! up!!!!!

Past

everybody has their secret past,
everybody did things that were foolish and they weren't proud of, and hope that nobody will know, and almost wish the 'past' never happened and hope it could jus be burried away...
i admit i did things i weren't proud of and trust me, i'll do everything in my might to make it right...

what is done cannot be undone,
so what we can do is to learn from our mistakes to build a better tomorrow.
but why i feel my past isn't letting me go so easily??
every time i feel i can breath a little louder and easier, it creeps just right up...

like i always say..
we cannot be emotional, we must do what is right..

i donno how long this will go on,
i noe i need to do something but i donno what,
i'm sorry i'm sorry i truly am..
if this is the way you punish me,
all i can say is... i'm really sorry....

I have a Sexy Starfish

I have a Sexy Starfish,
i just got it 2 weeks ago and is quite happy with it...
everyday, my starfish will swim towards me n wiggle his tail...
so cuteeeeee~~~

but my starfish is always emo..
a little bit of things can make him cranky... O.O
frankly speaking, i don think i have the 'power' to hold his temper..
i always say he is a volcano, he will erupt sooner or later, n i hope i wont be there to see it when he does..

i don have much comments on my starfish now,
just trying to go with the flow...
i'm contented right now :)

What Goes Around, Comes Around

rmb how i complained i have nothing to do at work and i'm dying of boredom??
my General Manager decided to give me something to do to stop me from 'dying'..
she put me on a...
a....
an exciting, never imagined, totally unexpected, a REALLLLL challenge tasks.
she asked me to translate an English press release into MANDARINNNNN.

i was shocked, but still willingly accepted, it was a challenge to me, and at least, i have something to do.
even though i cannot finish within 1 or 2 hours, but at least, i'm learning something...

i noe i can speak and write simple mandarin, but to translate a formal and professional article would be...
i'm afraid it would sound like a 3-years old trying to write his first essay...
i think she noes,
that is why she borrowed me her dictionary..

hehehe... back to work now. i haven't even finish translating the first sentence :P

BOREDDD

i am officially BORRRRREEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDD out of my job!!!!!
i love it still, but would appreciate if i have a littttle more work to do..
all i do there everyday is online, online, chat, online, n more chatting..
gosh...
i cannot imagine how i would pass my hrs once my daddy starts to work!!
i guess i will eventually die of boredom...

i can hear some ppl scolding me..
'Fan Jin' 'Fan Jin'..
my daddy always ask me not to complain..
i should be contented right?
i get paid still even when i don really need to do anything...

haiz...
but i wan to do something...
i really wanna start to do something..
this is the 3rd week already n still...

haiz...
i'll still stay on till my 'baby' is born n can stand up n start running..
then i'll have better negotiation power when i jump ship right?

haiz...
i need something to do..
this is ridiculous...

I Want To Lie On a Beach

i don't know, i really don't know
i feel uncertain already
i feel as if my tummy is twirling, and i'm feeling sick
am i just afraid of moving any further?

maybe it's the tarot cards and the horoscopes,
maybe it's just moving too fast too soon, i'm still not use to it,
maybe it's just me, me being me, me being unconfident

i really superly duperly very deeply madly truly wants to lay on the beach and sleepppp

The Things I Need

I don't need diamonds nor jewelries,
I don't need branded goods or a trip to France,
what I really need is a sincere heart to tell me he loves me.

I don't dare to wish for forever,
but for the time being, Love me with all you can

if you are SOOOOOO lucky to read this post...

I think i'm falling for you too.. XoXoX0

Malaysian's Plea~~

copied from Anas' blog - letusaddvalue.blogspot.com
its our malaysian's plea and politicians better do something right away!!!

Dear Malaysian Politicians,

Please stop the power chase, call for a truce and focus on the economy.

I do not claim to speak on behalf of all Malaysians, but I have strong convictions that many share my sentiments.

Our concern today is not who rules the country or heads the state governments but the looming bad economy.

Whether Barisan Nasional or Pakatan Rakyat leads, it is meaningless if Malaysians have no job to go to, no money to pay rent and no means to put food on the table.

I am a business owner, like other business owners and managers of corporations I have a responsibility to ensure people under my care and payroll continue to have jobs and a decent income to take home. We work hard and willing to go the extra mile to make sure our nation not only survive this crisis but come out stronger and wiser. We need your help.

Let me explain. I am in the business of Training, Development and Consultancy and have 20 people in my team.

Saedah is 42. She keeps the office clean and helps organise the training rooms. She has four children and her husband is unemployed. She was first hired on a part time basis, because she is very hard working and has a great attitude, we offered her a full time job to help provide a stable income for her family. Even then, when her third child started school this year, it was a struggle for her to buy new school uniforms and other necessities. Saedah lives on a ‘kais bulan, makan bulan’ basis, so, if she is jobless, her tap runs dry.

Samsuri is 27 years old. He lives with his sister and her family in a low cost government flat in Sunway. He does our despatch, helps with various clerical works and occasionally acts as a driver. During the first week at zubedy, we learned that he not only did not have money to buy new clothes and shoes for work, he had no money for lunch. Like Saedah, if he has no job, his tap runs dry too.

Alicia in Client Servicing turns 26 this year. She lives with her dad who is 71 years old and retired. Her mom passed away when she was little. Alicia is a hard-working team member, has a gentle caring outlook and fun to be with. (We like to poke fun at her as she blushes easily). Last May her dad went through a major operation, thank God he has recovered well. Alicia needs a job, both for herself and her dad.

Sudesh, 38, is one of our facilitators. When his father passed away last year, he moved back and lives with his mother in Seremban. He shuttles between Kuala Lumpur and Seremban daily, leaving home sometimes as early as 4 in the morning and returning late at night. He is no stranger to hard work and sacrifice, he knows what he needs to do to survive and to care for his mother, but he too needs a job.

Like fellow Malaysians, every one of us in zubedy needs employment, those that live from hand to mouth like Saedah and Samsuri and others like Alicia and Sudesh with family to care for. We Malaysians need the Malaysian economy to be strong. We need you, our leaders, to work hard and to work together to make our economy viable.

So this is my plea.

Pakatan Rakyat, please stop your attempts to take over the federal government and persuade BN’s lawmakers to join you. Stop all legal proceedings, no more 916 and let go, just let go. The nation can wait till the next general elections if they want change. By doing so, Malaysians will see your party as caring, unselfish and gracious and give you their support in the next elections.

Barisan Nasional, please stop any attempts to take over PR states and win over PR’s lawmakers. You have proven your point with Perak. The nation can wait for the next general elections if they want your party. Focus all your talent, energy and hard work in steering the country out of an economic downturn. By doing so, Malaysians will see your party as caring, unselfish and smart and give you their support in the next elections.

BN and PR! Call for a truce. Get together and compromise. Someone has to give in. Or has hate consumed your heart till it blinds you? You can do it. You have enough intelligent people between you. I am sure you can find solutions. Take the nation to heart. That is why you are in politics in the first place.

Focus on the people.

Focus on the economy.

Anas Zubedy
Managing Director
Zubedy (M) Sdn Bhd

Working

i'm sorry for the late update but i have been BUSYYYYY!!!!!!!!!
just started working for a week, but already i have so many things to do, everyday OT still cannot finish, now i REALLY know how difficult it is to earn a decent wage.

nevertheless, i am loving my job more and more,
maybe because its my colleagues,
maybe because its my job scope,
maybe because i just love it... ^^

anyways, my dear friends, please do not forget to invite me to your yum cha sessions,
i promise to go every time i can...

went poppy y'day, it was ALEXLYN and SIEW LING's b'day...
had an awesome time, but i realise, every time OJ SIM is there, i am sure going home drunk =.=

some things happened, but i don really know how to react to it, hehe...
just let it flow la... don really wanna think about it... :P

Love Ya ALLLLLLLLL

Disappointed

its been 2 months since i've graduated and i'm still unemployed.
i've been searching, i've attended interviews, and i actually got 2 offers,
but i've rejected them, because i don think its the path i wanna go...

i actually gained from each interviews,
i would realise how shallow i am, how naive i am, and how unprepared i am for the real world,
each interview would teach me a bit more about myself, so i would need to work on my flaws and prepare more for the next one...
each interview that rejects me makes me feel like a failure..
i would wonder why have i failed,
i would wonder what my competitors have that i don't?
i begin to question myself, because i really cannot accept this happening...

i never expected it to be so difficult,
i never expected it to be so hard,
i never expected to fail...

i'm lost right now,
i am really lost,
i do not know what is waiting for me in front,
and i don't even think i have the courage to walk further front,
i know some people say i'm over reacting,
and yes may be i am,
but to tell you the truth,
i am really afraid...

i really hope i will wake up from this nightmare as soon as possible,
i'll still keep on trying,
but my spirits are definately weakening...

Life...

I Really Don't Know

i used to be so sure of what i want, and then i would do all i can to achieve it...
i used to be so sure of the 'path' i wanted to walk on, and i would dedicate all my energy on it...
but then again... i was young...
as we grow older, wiser and gain much experiences, our priority changes, views on life also changes, and hence, the things we want also changes.

i really do not know what i want right now,
i have never been so uncertain, i am feeling a bit scare...
i have never been so lost, i don't really feel like going on the journey...
i'm so lost, i don't know what to do now..
all i do now, is play play play, have fun and play...
all i want to do is that too,
please do not burden me with heavy questions nor question my actions..
i do not know and i don't want to know..
i just feel like flying in the clouds with no worries...
i just want to 'drift away'...
away from all the problems and worries in life,

i'm not being irresponsible, i just don't really want to think...
i'm afraid i can't get what i want,
i'm afraid things do not go my way,
i'm afraid i would cry,
i'm afraid of growing up...

i feel like puking when some one asks me what i wan,
i don't know how to answer it,
and i don't want to answer it..

i really don't know....

Thank You

first, i would like to thank Mr. OJ SIM for making it ALL happen ^^ (PS: you know what i mean right??)

next, i would like to thank everybody that have taken care of me during poppy... i'm really sorry for causing all the trouble and i didn't mean it!!! i swear!!! my first time sooooo serious~~ i wasn't even like that during PALL MALL event, nor at sanctuary.. haih~~ my clubber image ruin again~~

thanks to my kai jie for 'nagging' and taking care of my belongings,
thanks to kar wai for not leaving me alone,
thanks to clive kor kor for being my pillar of strength :P,
thanks to sook huay for taking care of me~~ even in the car,
thanks to alex,
thanks to james and huay shan for sending me home,
thanks to irene and chris and everybody else i forgot to mention...
was quite TIPSY so i couldn't remember much, besides i vomited on my LV *sobsssss* lesson learn - never bring LV to clubs.

LOVE ALLLLLLLL OF YOU, Wish ya all HAPPY NEW YEARRRRRRRRRRR... meet at poh yuet's hse to gamble loooo~~ ^^